Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
