Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
