How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
