i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
