I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
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