whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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