but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
