The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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