My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
