I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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