my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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