He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
