I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
This house was built for laser tag.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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