member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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