Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
