I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
