I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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