i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
