Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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