Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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