You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
