I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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