I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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