dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
