fuck your aforementioned shoe
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
