Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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