If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
