I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize