I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
