If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
