You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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