I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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