i can't believe i had my finger in that
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
