no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
