I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
someone owes me an orgasm
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
