I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
