Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
