how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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