I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
