One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
