I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
