New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
