I'm gonna have a badass scar
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
