Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
