He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
