the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
