I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
