I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
