That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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