your parents love me but you hate me
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
