i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize