its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize