Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
