i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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