Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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