It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
