Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
