Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
