i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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