Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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