I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
