I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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