Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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